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Resources
Identifying Abuse
One of our favorite websites is DomesticShelters.org – they have educational tools to identify and learn about abusive relationships.
Get Educated
Ask Yourself...
Am I in an abusive relationship?
How can I support someone who is being abused?
Keep reaching out and don’t give up.
Every person’s story is different, with one exception: having the support of family and friends. Support is the best predictor of recovery during and after intimate partner violence or sexual assault.
We know that abusive people frequently attempt to isolate their partners from their support networks. When they succeed, survivors are cut off from the resources they need. When family and friends refuse to be chased away – when you keep reaching out and don’t give up – this is the best gift you can give your loved one who is being abused.
Do everything you can to get educated about intimate partner violence or sexual assault. Tap into the abundant internet resources out there. Call our Helpline and learn about local resources. And remember the most important thing: stay in touch. When your loved one reaches out to you for help, you’ll be ready.
What should I do if I’ve been sexually assaulted?
You are not alone, and there are resources to help you find your way through.
Here’s a quick list of steps to help get you started. Remember, you can call our Helpline for support.
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Are you safe? Call 911 if you need help right now.
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Reach out for support. Call a friend, a parent, or any trusted loved one.
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Consider your medical options. Call the ER if you have questions, or just go in.
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Consider your legal options. Call our Helpline to discuss your choices.
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Process your experience. Consider mental health counseling.
The signs of intimate partner violence can be hard to spot.
Intimate partner violence wears many hats, including physical, verbal, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse. It starts small and escalates over time. People who are abusive are often master manipulators.
Intimate partner violence is all about power and control, leaving the survivor feeling unsafe, unheard, and unequal in the relationship. Being abused changes people, including the way they think about themselves. Behavior that we would say is unacceptable before sudden feels tolerable under the new rules of an abusive relationship.
By the time the abuse becomes physically violent, survivors usually feel confused, isolated, and disheartened. It can feel difficult to reach out for help.
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If you want to talk through what’s happening in your relationship with a confidential and nonjudgmental ear, call our Helpline. We believe you.
Increase independence, decrease isolation.
A key piece of working with survivors is validating their experience. How do I show that I CARE? Ask yourself these questions:
Context
What do I know about this survivor and their story? What do I need to know?
Attitude
What energy am I projecting? How can I adjust to make everyone feel safer?
Resources
What community resources might help? Does the survivor want to be connected with them?
Empowerment
Am I allowing the client to make their own decisions? Are my services client-led?
Red Flags
How do you tell the difference between an unhealthy relationship and abuse? Pay attention to these red flags.
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Your partner says, “You’re the only person for me, I don’t need anyone else but you, nobody gets me like you do.”
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Your partner convinces or convinced you to move in together quickly or get married.
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Your partner is jealous of you or your time, and wants to spend every minute alone with you. They say, “If I can’t have you, no one can.”
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Your partner constantly accuses you of cheating.
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You feel defensive or feel a need to justify what you do, where you go, who you hang out with, and what you wear to your partner.
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Your partner talks about violence in past relationships, refers to past partners as derogatory terms, or mentions serving jail time because of being “turned in” by past partners.
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You have a plan to improve your partner and think things will improve after time, marriage, or the birth of a child.
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Your partner promises to change their scary behavior but never does.
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You are disturbed by your partner’s behavior when they use alcohol or drugs.
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You feel like you need drugs or alcohol to cope with the stress of the relationship.
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Your partner handles anger in a way that scares you. They harm property or animals.
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You are uncomfortable leaving your kids alone with your partner, or the kids are afraid.
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Your partner threatens to attempt suicide or threatens to kill you if you try to leave.
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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The Abbie Shelter's go-to resource. Learn about:
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The early warning signs
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Ten abusive personality types
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The role of drugs and alcohol
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What you can fix, and what you can't
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How to get out of a relationship safely
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Lundy Bancroft
The Power and Control Wheel
A tool to understand abuse
"In 1984, staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups for men who batter and victims of domestic violence. We wanted a way to describe battering for victims, offenders, practitioners in the criminal justice system and the general public. Over several months, we convened focus groups of women who had been battered. We listened to heart-wrenching stories of violence, terror and survival. After listening to these stories and asking questions, we documented the most common abusive behaviors or tactics that were used against these women. The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women."
Check out the Duluth Model on YouTube
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